The Illusion of Communication

Mary:

Recently, we talked about troubles leaders often have with communication. Ed, let’s talk about how leaders ignite communication.

Ed:

Two parts of communication seem as important now as ever.

The first is better understanding how we communicate. People are often surprised with what a small role words play in our communication. The best research we know of breaks it down as follows:

1. Body language – 55%
2. Tone of voice – 38%
3. Words – 7%

Of the 7% communication we use in words, denotation (dictionary meanings) and connotation (personal meanings) of the words add tremendously to the possibility for miscommunication.

The denotative definition of a word could have dozens (even hundreds) of different possible meanings. The word “go” for example has over 100 different definitions in the Oxford English dictionary.

Words also have connotative meaning on a national, cultural, organizational or even family level. These also include all of the biases, lenses, and unconscious narratives we all have.

To improve communication, we must begin by agreeing collectively on what important words in our conversation mean. If we ask 20 people to define leadership, we may very well get 20 completely different answers.

A second part of communication that can be helpful is better understanding what is actually happening when we communicate. Communications Author, Dean Barlund created a model of six projected images that are present in any two-person communication:

1. The first is your own image of you speaking.
2. The second is your image of the person listening to you.
3. The third is an image of how you believe the other person is thinking and feeling about you as you speak (your projected-self).
4. The fourth is the other person’s self-image of herself or himself listening to you.
5. The fifth is the other person’s image of you speaking to them.
6. The sixth is the other person’s image of how they believe you may be thinking or feeling about them as you are speaking (their projected-self).

These six images play off of each other and impact our communication in real-time. Both people are constantly assessing their images of self, the other person, and their projected-selves during communication and making adjustments based on these assessments.

Three things leaders can put into action based on these concepts are:

1. Awareness of the importance of factors other than words on communication. As a percentage, words are actually the least important part of a conversation.
2. Reflect the meaning of what you believe the other person is saying based on their words, body-language and intonation, as well as asking questions to check assumptions being made during the conversation. We are making constant adjustments during a conversation based primarily on assumptions about the other person’s body-language and intonation. It is critical that important parts of the conversation aren’t misinterpreted by these assumptions. Real-time feedback in the form of reflecting meaning and asking clarifying questions can help limit these misinterpretations.
3. Ask for agreement on what was said and decided on during the conversation. So very often, people leave a conversation with completely different interpretations of what was said and what was decided on. Checking this before walking away from the conversation can help limit the amount of miscommunication.

This famous quote by George Bernard Shaw really sums up what so often happens: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Better awareness of self and others, better reflections and clarifying questions, and asking what the other person is taking away from a conversation can help remove some of that illusion.